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When one says you really shouldn't have...you probably shouldn't have.

I'm back. When the battle in my mind calls a draw, I start to write and analyze to see what side is really winning. A blind referee.
        I never noticed how useful the tab key was until now.....long story. anywho. hey there journal. online journal thing that you are...and...shit. Umm, YES i am kind of drunk, but think of this as part of a secret i have been holding away. I am still in love with you. i hate that you hang out with MY friends now. i Hate that your boyfriend is cute, but reminds me of a that bugger you just cant get out of your nose once he smiles damnit. I look at one of your best pictures once every other night and ask my self why i waited to make moves. well babe, it was the happiness i was experiencing atm living with you again......"her" again. sorry . i just got carried away.    one more shot     one more b. hoo. 

      Now back to what i was saying. I look at her pictures every other day now to figure remember and ask myself why....why did I tits it SO hard? And it recycles through my head like it's a ritual. At least every Thursday around 12..;)   (inside joke). BUT but bUUUUUT! I can say I am happy for her, and I only hope she feels the same for me. 

      Now the only task that lies ahead is talking to her mother about the phone bill and all that jazz. FUCK.
December 30 2010
 I was at this show. All Get Out.. Junior Astronomers. and Lion in Winter. It was great. I love showing AGT support. We are about to begin a music video for BurnHottheRecords. So i play my part. Junior Astronomers are about to start playing. I'm wedged in between the pinball machine and barstool.....also known as the one area where you can breath and stretch your arms for at least 2 feet. I have my face towards the door; getting any breath or draft of fresh cold air. The smoke and g-minors would leave the freshest of bar-goers going home filthy and grimy. As i was glancing outside,  i see.....this...... beautiful figure. Soft edges with posture of a soldier. Smile so sweet it could break your 'cool' within a matter of a SECOND. And her laugh, as she placed her hand over her mouth as if she had something that needed to be hidden, sparkling. I couldn't see clearly through the window panes on the door.....given the smoke and g-minors fogging up the glass. She walked away, i knew she was going to come back in. So i grabbed my friend's (Ted's) shoulder and am quickly to inform him. "Listen, the most beautiful girl is outside. Like....BANGN' bangin'. She'll come in. I'll show her to you."

A cigarette later i glance back at the door for another feeling of sanity, and.              she walked in.  Brunette hair cut short. Waved with with i think is called a curling iron. perfectly maintained eyebrows....one pierced, with light blue  shadow over two aqua green eyes. breath taking. A dark red lipstick covering the perfect lips which i dreadfully remember giving me the butterflies through the door. A lowcut dress, black. with elastic band around the upper waist. And the golden yellow peacoat.  Topping off all the fashion ''yes yes' '' you'd find in any Cosmopolitan.  

yes...It was her. They all looked at me, they knew who i was talking about. I turned red, embarrassed, ridiculed, fooled, revealed. She was beautiful. That night i layed off on the drinking. But after my ''mistake'', i turned them back. I sang and screamed till i coughed.  I shook it out baby.                                                                                                                                               - You were right. Love Exists, whether it works for you or                                                                                                                                                            not. It will exist in one of them.
the weight has been lifted, the song has been sung, and these people have seen it all. I will never go back, only look back. Enjoy the times i've spent, and this repetitive scene which has occurred recently is just another chip on the shoulder....taken care of with a little shrug and flick.    some would say we passively communicate. but we are just exchanging blows. 
Sometimes i wish i had whore myself out to others. so i can fill the void and feeling that i long for now. Ever since you left me i feel immortal, i've been skating better than ever before, mt stamina in all areas is steadily increasing, and every other day im getting the stare from at least three different girls. 4 of which i got numbers from last week. My dog is getting his stunning good looks back at a rapid rate. And the sex.....its just sex. and you babe, you lost your job and now drinking every time i hear about you. im not gonna say it make me mad, but worry is what i feel at the moment. I love you so much YOU dont even realize it.Maybe things will change, maybe i will pursue this new fancy that i talked to at a red light    :-/. But i know for damn sure  as she said "you dont realize it do you? you deserve so much better mr. haque. here, take this for example...."   my heart is filled with so many positives right now. And im going to explore and conquer them ONE STEP AT A TIME. got it good.

you tried to taste me,
and i taped my tongue to the southern tip of your body
bones are to heavy to come up
squished into a single cell of wood
 Fuck fuck fuck.   Don't you just hate being lied to sometimes.  Even over the smallest thing.  How abouuuuut, "hey i wanted to let you know this before you find out from someone else." Eh the suspense is worth the wait i guess?
truly amazing what a piece of wood holding four wheels by steel trucks can do for you. make friends, drink for free, and have stupid stereotypical "kappa beta phiiiiii hahahahhaaa. oh MY gawwwwwd haha" girls say to your  that they think you're cute. a slut is who is one drink away. i shouldve seen if walt was down to hang. my body hurts. ihop here i come.....
Just like any other day. Something came up (which actually turned out to be alright:). But now she is tired, didn't get much sleep. Hell neither did i. o well though. olive right? I'm suppose to call her later tonight once i get off, but i'm sure as shit it's not going to happen. I'll keep my hopes away, and be prepared for her not to show up as usual. Then maybe if she actually comes through, it will make my night 1000 times better. I sound like a 15yr old girl who is sooo excited to see her boyfriend, although she just spent time with him the entire day before. But what can i say.... i've said it enough. The fuck you isn't working anymore. and this dumb bitch needs to stop calling me. IT WONT HAPPEN IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. we are two different people, and in this situation opposites don't and will never attract. we are friends and you help me grow. We've had our moments though i'm not gonna lie. But you have a fiance goddamnit. And i have nothing. lets keep it that way. my eyes have been set on a better goal lately. It's just up for grabs if i can achieve them or not..... actually it's a definite 50/50 situation. She's bouncing around everywhere, she just keeps missing the ground that i so lonely stand on.

I want to be the one you can call when there is no one else
the one that you can be assured  serenity and comfort after the world throws it's shittiest days at you
the reason you stop having a drink every other night.
the reason i can stop sobbing everyday i come home and sit with kaiser on the couch.
(he knows i am unhappy, he sniffs at my face and and wimpers, thats when i lose it and start to bawl my eyes out.. on all fours, such a scene will make you cry as well.)
i want to be the reason we fell in love again
i want it all. but i need a little help from my friend.

There was the talk that was supposed to happen months ago. Figured i'd never get a chance... so i summed everything up in to 8 short lines. its not like im going to die soon........just had to let someone..thing know. 
god damn how do you do it? just to lead and lead, until i'm up past 3. are we whores or something that can count as a little more? will you find another to bend mold and shatter? then come back to where it is calm, and you realize what REALLY matters? but no i don't expect much so please don't be flattered. all this talking is really just chatter. in my head and on your bed, i've removed the labels of all that is dead. all that i've read and all that was said. all of the things which make this disease spread. love and lust which is really a bust. how could you feel a feeling so much. oh yes, it's quite the grudge... yes i know it's way too much. but still i mask my loneliness with a strong "i don't give a fuck" so through the the times i lay awake, through long cold nights where i still wait, it's my own fault. i instigate. i wait...for your face to show on my little phone. so sit high and drunk on your stumbling throne. just understand that my love for you has pathetically grown. i just want it to be known. i just want to feel home............again.
I met a man of two feet tall
This man was quite ambitious
In a world that is so vicious to us all
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have lived by my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"

I met a man of 12 feet tall
He towered like a giant
In a world that was defiant of his height
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have dreaded my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall."

I am a man of six feet tall
Just looking for some answers
In a world that answers none of them at all
I'll say, "Hi," but not reply
To the letters that you write
Because I found some peace of mind

Cause I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall



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